Renee was on her third load of laundry at eleven at night when she realised she hadn’t sat down since breakfast. Her husband Tom had been home from treatment for seven weeks. He was doing well, by every measure anyone had given her. But the house felt like a held breath. She watched his mood at dinner. She noticed when he was quiet. She’d stopped seeing her friends because explaining felt harder than staying in. The school run, the lunches, the appointments, the worry: it all landed on her, and the one question she’d never asked anyone was the simplest. Who’s looking after me?
If you’re the person holding a household together while someone you love finds their feet in recovery, this one’s for you.
The Quiet Strain on the Supporter
Most of the advice around recovery is aimed, understandably, at the person in it. Families get a leaflet, a phone number, and a general instruction to be supportive. What’s rarely spelled out is how much that support can cost.
Supporting someone in early recovery often means staying alert to their mood, adjusting routines, carrying more of the household, and managing your own fear of a setback, all while the rest of life continues. That’s a particular kind of tiredness, and it’s easy to dismiss because the other person seems to have the harder job.
What Caregiver Stress Looks Like
The National Institute on Aging publishes guidance for caregivers that is aimed at people looking after someone who is ill or frail rather than at families in recovery, so it isn’t a perfect match. But the stress it describes will sound familiar to many partners, parents and friends. Its list of signs includes:
- Feeling exhausted, overwhelmed or anxious
- Becoming easily angered or impatient
- Feeling lonely or disconnected from others
- Having trouble sleeping or not getting enough sleep
- Feeling sad or hopeless, or losing interest in activities you used to enjoy
- Frequent headaches, pain or other physical problems
- Not having enough time to exercise or prepare healthy food for yourself
- Skipping personal care tasks such as showers or brushing your teeth
- Misusing alcohol or drugs, including prescription medication
The last item is worth pausing on, because it’s easy to overlook. When you’re running on empty, it’s natural to reach for whatever offers quick relief. If you notice that happening, it’s a signal to get support, not a reason for shame.
None of this means you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re a person doing a lot.
What the Guidance Suggests
The same NIA resource offers practical advice that translates well:
- Take a break if you need one, and ask someone to step in
- Reach out for support from a trusted family member or friend, or a mental health professional
- Move your body in a way you enjoy, since even short periods of exercise can help
- Aim for seven to nine hours of sleep a night
- Drink plenty of water and eat regular meals
- Try relaxation techniques such as meditation, tai chi or yoga
- Carve out time each week for something you enjoy that has nothing to do with caregiving
- Be kind to yourself, since you don’t have to pretend to be cheerful all the time
It also nudges caregivers to keep up with their own health and make the doctor’s appointment they’ve been putting off. That applies here too: a family doctor who knows what your home life looks like can respond to it.
A Familiar Scenario: The Text Renee Almost Didn’t Send
Renee’s turning point was small. A friend texted to ask how she was, and Renee typed “fine” and deleted it. She typed “tired” and deleted that too. Eventually she sent: “Honestly? Not great.” Her friend arrived forty minutes later with soup and stayed until the kids were asleep.
Nothing about the situation changed. But Renee started saying yes when people offered help. She booked herself a walking slot on Wednesday mornings. She told Tom she needed an hour on Saturdays that was hers and was surprised to find he’d been hoping she’d ask.
Understanding What You’re Seeing
Part of what makes supporting someone so draining is not knowing what’s normal. Mood dips, poor sleep, irritability and foggy thinking can appear weeks or months into recovery, and without context, each one can feel like a warning sign. Learning what to expect often takes some weight off.
Serenity Park Recovery Center, a men’s treatment centre in Little Rock, Arkansas, publishes a PAWS overview explaining the lingering symptoms that can follow acute withdrawal, and presents them as temporary and manageable. Reading something like it can turn “is this a relapse?” into “this might be a known stage,” and help you decide what to mention to his treatment team.
When to Ask for More Help
If you’re feeling persistently hopeless, can’t sleep, or find yourself thinking about harming yourself, please reach out to a doctor, a crisis line or emergency services right away. You deserve support, not just the person you’re supporting.
The Wednesday Walk
Months later, Renee still takes the Wednesday walk. Some weeks she doesn’t want to go. She goes anyway, because the walk isn’t really about the exercise. It’s the one hour in the week when nobody needs anything from her, and she has learned that she’s a better partner on the days when she has had it.
Sources
- National Institute on Aging. Taking care of yourself: Tips for caregivers. National Institutes of Health (content reviewed October 12, 2023). https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/caregiving/taking-care-yourself-tips-caregivers
Leave a Reply