The holidays are often described as a season of closeness, celebration, and warmth. But for families who love someone struggling with substance use, this time of year can bring a very different emotional reality. Beneath the surface, many carry a form of grief we rarely discuss—grief for someone who is still alive.
It’s the grief of sitting across the table from a loved one while mourning the version of them you remember—or the one you hoped they would become. Traditions shift, trust feels fragile, and conversations can turn careful, cautious, or strained.
Family recovery coach, TEDx speaker, and founder of Parallel Recovery, Lisa Katona Smith, is creating space for this conversation. Her new book, Parallel Recovery: A Guide for Those Who Love Someone Struggling with Substance Use Disorder, centers the emotional experiences of families—an often-overlooked part of the recovery story.
“You’re allowed to grieve the family you imagined while still loving the family you have,” Lisa says. “Naming that grief doesn’t mean giving up. It means making space for connection that’s real, rather than forced.”
Lisa’s work focuses deeply on the concept of emotional and psychological dysregulation—a state in which a person struggles to manage intense emotions and thought patterns. In this state, people often find it difficult to communicate clearly, make calm decisions, or control their reactions to negative emotions. Dysregulation can take many forms, from visible outbursts to quieter struggles like avoidance, deceit, or harsh self-criticism.
These emotional patterns can stand in the way of meaningful connection and recovery. When someone communicates from a place of dysregulation, their words and actions are often filtered through fear, frustration, or control rather than genuine intent. Recognizing this dynamic allows families to respond with more understanding and less reactivity.
Understanding Dysregulation Within Families
While the term “dysregulation” is common in mental health discussions—particularly in relation to Substance Use Disorder—it’s something that everyone experiences at times. According to Lisa, it doesn’t occur in isolation. In families affected by addiction, several members may experience waves of dysregulation simultaneously, especially during stressful seasons like the holidays.
This cycle can be emotionally draining. In her teaching, Lisa uses a simple metaphor she calls the “Mike Wazowski diagram,” named after the Monsters, Inc. character. She describes the circle at the top as the whole, healthy self—complete with both joy and pain. The thin stick legs beneath represent our fragile coping mechanisms when we suppress difficult emotions instead of processing them.
When negative emotions are denied or minimized, they don’t disappear—they resurface in bigger, often overwhelming ways. Over time, learning to feel and regulate emotions allows individuals to stay grounded and whole, no matter how turbulent life becomes.
Why Validation and Safety Matter
True regulation begins with allowing ourselves to experience emotions as they arise, not as others expect us to. When our feelings are dismissed, we often turn to maladaptive coping behaviors such as isolation, anger, or substance use to make those emotions smaller or more acceptable to others.
These unprocessed feelings keep us stuck. Our choices and communication start to come from fear, resentment, or shame rather than from our truest selves. Those emotions rarely build connection—they create distance. Recognizing this helps families shift from reacting to understanding, which is a crucial part of healing.
The Connection Between Dysregulation and Substance Use
Lisa emphasizes that substance use is often a symptom—not the root cause—of dysregulation. The emotional turmoil comes first, and substances are used as a way to manage that inner chaos. The unprocessed emotions beneath the addiction are still there, waiting to be acknowledged and healed.
When we learn to regulate ourselves, our emotions no longer take the wheel. Regulation allows us to stay calm when angry, steady when afraid, and clear-headed when circumstances feel impossible. It also helps us know when to step back, create boundaries, and approach communication from a place of composure instead of crisis.
Healing Through Honest Communication
There is no one-size-fits-all script for repairing communication with a loved one in recovery. But by combining emotional regulation with empathy, families can begin to rebuild trust and connection in practical, meaningful ways.
As Lisa reminds her readers, “Everyone deserves space to express what they feel—even people who are using drugs or alcohol. We may not agree with how those feelings are expressed, but we can affirm that they are real.” That act of acknowledgment is often where the healing begins.
About the Author
Lisa Katona Smith, M.Ed., is a certified Peer Recovery Specialist, family consultant, TEDx speaker, and author. Inspired by her personal experience navigating a loved one’s addiction, she created Parallel Recovery®—a compassionate framework that helps families support recovery while maintaining their own well-being.
Through coaching, training, and curriculum development, Lisa guides families nationwide in rebuilding peace, connection, and sustainable change. With over 20 years of professional experience, her work continues to advocate for a family-centered healing process that restores both hope and relationship.
Lisa’s book, Parallel Recovery: A Guide for Those Who Love Someone Struggling with Substance Use Disorder, can be purchased on Amazon.
